On Handling Kids' Mistakes

A recent New York Times article reported studies of children and guilt. In sum, guilt is a good thing, if not taken to an extreme. When a two-year-old is told to be careful with a toy, but she breaks it, she typically experiences "a sinking feeling in the tummy." That reaction is what should continue to effectively motivate a child toward good behavior as she grows. She doesn't want to do bad things because she knows it will give her that sinking feeling.

Psychologists aren't yet sure why some of the children feel more guilt than others. Is it more genetics or upbringing?

Even if a child doesn't have a strong feeling of guilt, he may have a strong ability to self-regulate. In other words, bullying on the playground wouldn't produce a sinking feeling and he'd really like to bully those annoying little punks around, but he chooses not to because it simply doesn't seem like wise behavior (you risk discipline, lose friends, etc.).

The problem comes when a child lacks both the feeling of guilt and the ability to self-regulate.

So how should a parent or teacher deal with guilt feelings in children? Surprisingly, many children, and even adults, don't know how to productively deal with these guilt feelings. Let's say your child was careless and spilled his milk. You find him standing over the milk with that pitiful "I've blown it" look on his face. Just say something like, in a matter of fact way, "Perhaps you need to be more careful next time. Now let's clean it up and make the kitchen look even better than it did before."

It's a good way to acknowledge the mistake, give a way to practically deal with the mistake, without producing the unproductive feeling that "I'm a bad boy."

Find Legacy Educational Resources at www.character-education.info .

Serve Your Way to Success

How important is service to a new company? Jeff was starting a bookstore and needed to learn the industry. So he want to a book industry conference and attended a seminar by Richard Howorth, then president of the American Booksellers Association. Howorth challenged the attendees with an incident at his bookstore. Here's a paraphrased version, from Howorth's perspective:

I was in my upstairs office when the bookstore manager confronted me with a problem. A lady was very upset and he couldn't deal with her. So I walked downstairs to meet the lady, who, sure enough, was steaming.

"What may I do for you?" I asked.

She replied that while her car was parked in front of my store, someone dropped dirt on it from a potted plant on the second story balcony. Her lawyer husband had just washed the car that morning.

"May I wash your car? I offered.

She agreed and I said, "Let's go."

So I hop into the back seat with the irate lady and her friend up front, directing her to a service station that offers car washes. It's out of order. Now she's mad at me for yet another travesty. So I direct her to my house on the other side of town and cheerfully wash her car with a hose and a bucket of soapy water.

Interestingly, it wasn't a nice car. Paint was flaking off. Who knows whether the husband had actually washed it? It was crazy. "But I pretend like I'm washing a late-model Cadillac."

After the wash, we head back to the bookstore, where the lady apologizes and thanks me.

Later that day, she returned to the store and bought a lot of books. The next day one of my workers overheard her telling the story to a group of friends at the local Holiday Inn.

The point? Go over the top with customer service. News travels fast. Treat customers like royalty and they'll spread the word.

By the way, the Jeff at the beginning of the story, the one who attended Howorth's seminar, took his advice to heart and strove to make his new bookstore tops in customer service. His full name is Jeff Bezos, whose bookstore has become the largest in the world - Amazon.com. [From Amazon.com: Get Big Fast, by Robert Spector (UK: Random House Business Books, 2000), pp. 52,53]

Find more character stories at Legacy Educational Resources at www.character-education.info .

Promoting Character: The Priority of Relationships to Students

As teachers, we're often consumed with our teaching to the neglect of our attitudes/relationships with students. That can be detrimental when we're teaching for life change.

According to an article in The Clinical Psychologist (Empirically Supported Therapy Relationships, by Norcross and Hill, VOL 57 - No 3 - Summer 2004), studies have found that the relationship of the counselor with the patient is more important than the technique used in counseling.

Applying this to promoting character, don't just design riveting discussions of character; pay attention to your relationships with your students. To be specific, be open to feedback, be empathetic, foster a good emotional climate in the classroom.

Carl Rogers' definition of empathy guided much of this research:

"empathy is the therapist's sensitive ability and willingness to understand clients' thoughts, feelings, and struggles from their point of view. In other words, empathy involves entering the private, perceptual world of the other."

Early research indicates that another trait for positive outcomes is "positive regard", defined as:

"warm acceptance of the client's experience without conditions, a prizing, an affirmation, and a deep non possessive caring."

Finally, pay attention to what might work for each individual student. Know your students! One might respond better to one method and another to a very different method.

Want to add to this discussion? Enter it below!

J. Steve Miller writes for Legacy Educational Resources
www.character-education.info

New Book on Personal Finances is Fun, Informative Read

Reviewing texts for your personal money management classes? Enjoy Your Money! How to Make It, Save It, Invest It and Give It is a brand new book (which can be used as a text) that's garnering rave reviews. Teachers of personal finance in both public and private schools (including home schoolers) should take note. (Find it here on Amazon.)

Here's information from the publishers.

Personal Money Management Text

Recommended text or supplemental reading for those teaching personal finance on a secondary level. Enjoy Your Money! How to Make It, Save It, Invest It and Give It, by J. Steve Miller (May, 2009, Wisdom Creek Press, 254 pp., includes index, documentation, discounts for bulk purchases, chapter reviews, thought questions, assignments, free web-based teacher resources, recommended further reading. Retail price: $15.99, but discounted for multi-volume purchases or for review copies.) Recommendations High school principal Dr. Phillip Page (North Cobb High School, Cobb County School System) reported, "Teachers of financial management and life skills will be thrilled to discover this book! Miller uses people stories to breathe life into financial concepts, making lessons both memorable and enjoyable. As an educator, I was impressed that the book: goes beyond “the same old stuff” that students hate; expands minds with research-based facts; engages minds with intriguing angles and creative assignments; challenges students beyond selfish accumulation to consider service to humanity; includes multiple cultures; offers hope to those with learning disabilities. Robert Martin, Lecturer of Accounting in the prestigious Coles College of Business (one of Princeton Review's best business schools) -- "A fast, fun read with practical and often remarkable insights. Should be required reading for every high school senior and every young adult who has landed his or her first full-time job. I'm incorporating parts of the book into my lectures." Dr. Dwight "Ike" Reighard, Executive Vice President and Chief People Officer of HomeBanc -- "Had I read this book in my 20’s, I’d be financially independent today. It’s a remarkable blend of fabulous research with clear and lively writing. You’d pay an expert quite a sum for this caliber of counsel. That’s why I say that the best investment you make this year just might be this book. Your second best investment will be the copies you buy for your children." Larry Winter, of Winter & Scoggins, CPA's -- "As a practicing CPA and financial counselor for the past 35 years, I've read scores of books and periodicals on personal finance. Just when you think you've heard it all, something like this comes along. It's rare and refreshing to find a book so enjoyable, so accurate, and so life changing. I’m purchasing 200 copies to give away to graduating seniors." Financial columnist Cliff Pletschet of the Oakland (California) Tribune -- "Whether you are a beginner or advanced investor, do yourself a favor and absorb Miller's advice, filtered engagingly through rapport between a skillful mentor and her inquisitive followers." Author Bio Interview Book Outline Blurbs Review in The Oakland (California) Tribune View Book on Amazon.com Sample Chapters Book Ordering Information Author Bio J. Steve Miller - educator, investor, entrepreneur, and speaker - has taught audiences from Atlanta to Moscow. He’s known for drawing practical wisdom from serious research and communicating it in accessible, unforgettable ways. In researching and field testing this book, he not only drew from respected books in the field of finance, but received input from business leaders, educational leaders, professors, students, CPA's, financial advisors and parents. Steve is the founder and president of Legacy Educational Resources, providing global resources for teachers of life skills in public schools and service organizations at www.character-education.info. A self-styled "wisdom broker," Steve collects wisdom from many fields and packages it for teachers and writers via his published books and the Web. His wife, Cherie, and their seven sons continually remind him what works and what doesn’t. Connect with him at www.jstevemiller.com. Interview Q: Steve, what motivated you to write this book? A: First, people are hurting with their finances. Even before the current recession, surveys found that: Twenty-five percent of American adults live paycheck to paycheck. They fear going under and desperately need to accumulate wealth. Ninety-eight percent of middle-aged people reported regret at how they spent their money in the light of how much they could have saved. Today's college students graduate with, on average, over $22,000 in debt. Their first job out of college doesn't pay what they expected. They want to get out of debt and accumulate enough wealth to purchase a house. Personal debt is reaching record highs as personal savings reach all time lows (under zero percent average savings in 2006). How will people ever get ahead? Second, to get more personal, Cherie and I are raising seven boys, from 14-year-old twins to a 27-year-old. I don't want them to live their lives experiencing the misery of financial bondage. This book sums up what we're trying to teach them about finding financial freedom. Q: Bookstores offer shelves of books on personal money management. Why write another one? A: Some of those books are really good. I read wheelbarrows' full of them in my research and recommend many of them throughout my book and Web-based resources (www.enjoyyourmoney.org). But I thought a different approach was in order, something that could help people totally rethink the way our culture has taught them to manage their money. So I wrote a book with these distinctives: Well researched and documented, ensuring that the advice is solid Story form to grab and hold attention Multi-Cultural (Afro-American, Hispanic, Oriental, White Anglo-Saxon) Multi-Generational, including characters from eighteen to eighty Defies stereotypes Likeable characters Neither talks down to students nor ridicules teachers Encourages learning from one another and multiple sources Includes building knowledge, skills and character Fosters giving as well as getting Encourages those with learning disabilities Includes reviews, thought questions and assignments Practical Realistic Broad use of real people stories Q: The story line reminds me of the movie The Breakfast Club, where high school students from different parts of the school culture broke through the stereotypes to find that they weren't so different after all. A: Great observation! That movie was a part of my inspiration. So I've got this white cheerleader, an Afro-American muscle car enthusiast, a Hispanic do-gooder and an Asian low achiever. They meet at "In School Suspension" and discover that they've got at least one thing in common: their parents are inept at personal finances and it hurts their families. They desperately want to do better, but they first must overcome their demons. Amy, Antonio, Akashi and James Akashi suffers from undiagnosed disabilities, making her the black sheep of her high achieving siblings. Can a "C" student get any better than a "C" vocation and a "C" life? Antonio loves outdoor adventures and serving the less fortunate. But can he make enough of a living to support a family while working in a potentially low-paying career? James wants to make a million dollars before age 40, but no matter how much he works, he can't seem to save a cent. They're introduced to Mrs. Kramer, an eccentric high school teacher who's unusually successful with her finances. She meets with them each Saturday morning for breakfast to discuss money management. The resulting package includes adventure, romance and fascinating people - everything you'd never expect in a financial book. Q: This book is more about people than numbers. A: Yes! And not only about my fictional characters, but about real people who've succeeded marvelously with their money. Kramer introduces them to Oseola McCarty, who washed clothes for a living the old fashioned way - boiling them in a kettle over a fire. After arthritis forced her into retirement, she shocked the world by giving a $150,000 gift to a college to allow deserving students to get the education she never had. How did she save $280,000 dollars while working such a low-paying job? Young Warren Buffett started making money with lemonade stands, finding and selling golf balls, and running paper routes. With jobs that anybody could do, he ended up making more than his teachers while he was in high school. Then he multiplied that money into billions. What were his secrets? The answers aren't hard to comprehend; they're just counterintuitive - not what you'd expect. The book introduces the reader to a host of interesting people and their finances, from Thomas Jefferson to Mark Twain to Sam Walton. I think that financial principles are more easily understood and applied when you learn them in the context of people stories. Yet, math weaves its way through the story, as students prepare budgets, figure compound interest, calculate grocery savings, etc. Q: With the story line, I assume your target audience is high school seniors? A: My characters range from 18 to 80 years old. Warren Buffett started investing at age 11. My grandmother started saving and investing at age sixty-five. At age 101, with her sharp mind intact, she's accumulated a small fortune. If the interest is there, I'm finding that a wide range of ages enjoy it and reap the benefit. Q: In the book, you keep referring readers to your Web site for more information. Why didn't you just include everything in the book? A: Because few people would buy a 1000 page book that's about finances instead of Harry Potter! Even fewer would actually read it once they brought it home. Personal finance is a very broad subject. My copy of Benjamin Graham's classic, The Intelligent Investor, is over 600 pages, and it just covers one slice of personal finances: investing in stocks. The Web gives me unlimited space to offer teacher resources and cover topics that readers want to explore further. I think many will especially find helpful the in depth summaries of other books related to personal finance. If you want to get a snapshot of the advice of several financial writers, or to get the scoop on a book before you buy it, I think you'll find my executive summaries valuable. Q: How much do the Web resources cost? A: They're free. You can find them at www.enjoyyourmoney.org . Book Outline Introduction: Part One – Investing Money Breakfast 1 – Discover the Basics Oseola McCarty cleaned clothes for a living the old fashioned way - boiling them in a pot over a fire. So how did she accumulate over a quarter of a million dollars, when people making multiples of her salary can't seem to get by? Breakfast 2 – Catch the Vision Young Warren Buffet worked paper routes and found and sold golf balls - stuff that anybody can do. But through saving and investing, he out-earned his teachers while he was in high school. How did investing multiply that money into billions? Breakfast 3 – Don’t Lose Money in Stocks "Hash Brown" made all of the mistakes that most investors make, losing tons of money trying to beat the market. He shares his hard-earned lessons with wisdom from Warren Buffett, mutual fund expert John Bogle, Buffett's mentor Benjamin Graham, and Wall Street Journal personal finance columnist Jason Zweig, leading readers safely through the investing minefield. Breakfast 4 – Make Money in Mutual Funds Here's how to choose stock and bond funds for the ultimate in diversity, safety and healthy returns. Breakfast 5 – Diversify with Real Estate. Travis is a likeable "Dukes of Hazard" type who prefers muscle cars over golf and real estate over stocks. At twenty-eight years of age, his cars and comfortable home in the country are totally paid off. How did he do it? Breakfast 6 – The Breakfast that Almost Wasn’t A kidnapping, a car chase and a life lesson. Part Two – Saving Money Breakfast 7 – Live WAY Beneath Your Means "Watch your expenses more than your revenue." So says the successful CEO of Wherehouse Music. Since a dollar saved can equal two dollars earned (hint: savings aren't taxed), cutting costs is the most underrated trick to building wealth. Breakfast 8 – Save on Food and Clothes Carmen, a spunky young mother, leads a whirlwind field trip through a grocery store, finding huge savings with "loss leaders," generic drugs, bulk buying and "store blitzes." Breakfast 9 – Save on Cars Kramer asks a hairy, audacious question: "Is it possible to spend almost nothing over a lifetime on purchasing cars?" James's answer tells a lot about how to save a bundle on reliable transportation. Breakfast 10 – Save on Houses Bob and Bud live in identical houses in the same neighborhood. Why is one paying half what the other pays? Breakfast 11 –Ten Popular Ways to Lose Lots of Money Thomas Jefferson was brilliant and famous, but spent his last years fretting over his huge debt. Mark Twain and coach Joe Gibbs lost fortunes in bad investments. How can we avoid their mistakes? Part Three – Making Money Breakfast 12 – Find Jobs You Love Researchers Stanley and Danko discovered that first-generation millionaires made their money at vocations they loved. How can we find jobs we're passionate about? Breakfast 13 – Excel at Your Job It's more than college degrees and developing skills. Breakfast 14 – Invest in your Mind "In times of profound change, the learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." (Al Rogers, Global SCHOOLHOUSE Network) Part Four: Enjoying Money Breakfast 15 – Look for Happiness in the Right Places People want to be financially successful because they think it will contribute to their happiness. What makes people happy? How should scientific studies of human happiness impact the way we use our money? Epilogue: Where Are They Now? Discover what happened to the main characters later in life. Web-Based Complementary Resources Index More Testimonies "By far the most valuable book on finances I've ever read." (Callie C. Brown, author of The Complete Guide to Investing in Gold and Precious Metals) "Financial responsibility has reached a state of crisis. This book attacks the problem in a common sense, refreshing manner that anyone can understand and apply to real life. It should be required reading for all young people, before they find themselves broke, deeply in debt and miserable." (William C. Lusk, Jr., Senior Executive Vice President & Chief Financial Officer, Retired, Shaw Industries, a Fortune 500 company and the world’s largest manufacturer of carpet.) "A very entertaining, engaging book! The characters are appealing and aid the reader in interacting with the principles taught. All ages will enjoy it and benefit. Meticulously researched and documented. Chock full of financial and lifestyle wisdom. I’ll keep plenty of copies in my office to hand out to clients." (Dr. Ken Walker, Psychologist with the Georgia Department of Juvenile Justice and Director of Dalton Counseling Service.) "A comprehensive look at managing your money. For me, the genius of this book is that it gathers wisdom from top financial gurus and uses it to explain clearly and practically how average folks can apply it to everyday living." (Alan Buckler - Allstate Insurance) "I loved the story and the characters! Read this book and you'll get the practical tools and wisdom to chart your own course toward financial freedom." (Jamie Maddox, former Senior Business Analyst, The Coca Cola Company) "For me, the section on savings was worth the price of the book, detailing scores of hidden ways to save a fortune over a lifetime. Then, unlike many books, it goes beyond 'having more' to 'doing more with what you have.'" (Bryan McIntosh, Ph.D., Dalyn Corporation) "I really liked the format! The dramatic layout used a totally different part of my brain when I read it...it's like watching a movie or reading a novel. The story line kept my interest so that I got through it quickly. The content was very inspiring. "Living differently" and "starting a financial counterculture" hits home to me. And it was SO PRACTICAL! I think it will also appeal to most of my generation and the one coming up behind me." (Anthony Daniel, age 28, Chemist, Tiarco Chemical) "Clever! The movie script format pulled me into the story and endeared me to the characters. Before I knew it, I found myself thinking about money strategies that I'd have never learned from traditional finance books. Teaching finance through people stories works for me. Rather than staring at obscure charts, I just followed the lives of successful people. Finally! A readable book on personal finance for people who don't want to read a book on personal finance...which of course is me and just about everybody else!" (Mark Hannah, Film Producer) For ordering information, see the bottom of this page on the publisher site.

Helping Struggling Students: Repeat a Grade, or Socially Promote?

So you have a student who's flunking. What's the best solution for the student - repeat the grade or promote her anyway? Neither, according to the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP).

Their well-written and compelling position paper sorts out the evidence from years of study of comparable students who were academically lagging. Some were failing, but promoted anyway ("social promotion"). Others were failing, but were held back. The ones held back may have done better for a few months of the following year, but eventually showed no more academic progress than the promoted students. And in many ways, the ones held back were worse off - they got into more trouble, were more likely to drop out, etc.

According to the article:

"Research examining the overall effects of 19 empirical studies conducted during the 1990s compared outcomes for students who were retained and matched comparison students who were promoted. Results indicate that grade retention had a negative impact on all areas of achievement (reading, math and language) and socio-emotional adjustment (peer relationships, self esteem, problem behaviors, and attendance)."

What does all this have to do with character? Plenty. As noted in the quote above, repeating grades impacts

"socio-emotional adjustment (peer relationships, self esteem, problem behaviors, and attendance)"

Spelled out more specifically,

"Retained students have increased risks of health-compromising behaviors such as emotional distress, cigarette use, alcohol use, drug abuse, driving while drinking, use of alcohol during sexual activity, early onset of sexual activity, suicidal intentions, and violent behaviors. "

Those are character issues. Why does holding back make such an impact? Perhaps it's because "failing" a grade is much more traumatic than we realize.

Social scientists once asked to rate "twenty stressful life events." Amazingly, "6^th grade students rated grade retention as the most stressful life event, followed by the loss of a parent and going blind."

So what does the NASP recommend to help failing students? Basically, detect the learning or behavioral problems as early as possible and address these issues in ways that have been proven to work. They may need tutoring, counseling or special classes designed to meet their needs.

So maybe a child has undiagnosed learning disabilities. Don't just hold her back to try it again, or socially promote her to see if things work themselves out. Rather, deal with the problems in specific ways to help her overcome her weaknesses and keep her moving through the system. The article recommends 13 ways to help these students, rather than holding them back.

Reaping the Most out of Summer

Often, it seems we start the summer with all these great plans for our children (our last two at home are our middle school twin sons), but end the summer mildly disappointed that they didn't accomplish more.

It's not that I want to impose some rigid schedule; I relished those long summer days growing up, playing and exploring and enjoying life. But we thought that this summer we might come up with a simple reminder to help our children set some priorities and learn the joy of accomplishing something each day.

Since the successful person "reaps" something out of each day, we'll use that as our acrostic:

Read Something
Exercise
Accomplish Something
Play
Serve Someone

We'll post this on the refrigerator, review it each day and let you know how it works as the summer progresses!

Learn from One Another: Filmmakers Help One Another to Success

This is an "intercom insight" I added this morning to our resources at www.character-education.info.

Julia Cameron was married to filmmaker Martin Scorsese in his early years. In her book, Finding Water, she recalls that Scorsese's friends included Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Francis Coppola and Brian De Palma, all of whom would later become famous filmmakers. What's interesting concerning character and life skills is how they supported one another and sharpened one another's talents.

"They screened early cuts of their films for comments and input. I remember a sequence of New York, New York being reversed and revamped at George Lucas's suggestion."

As they became successful, they continued to help one another. Example: they would suggest actors for one-another's films - "Scorsese suggested De Niro to Coppola for The Godfather: Part II."

Today, these five filmmakers are numbered among the greatest ever. But you have to wonder if they could have ever become great in isolation. By sharing their ideas and lending helping hands, they paved one another's roads to success.

(Written by Steve Miller for www.character-education.info All Rights Reserved. Source: Julia Cameron, Finding Water: The Art of Perseverance (New York: The Penguin Group, 2006), p. 87.)

Here are some ways you could get interaction when following-up the story with a class, or your children:

For Discussion

1) What movies do you know of by these filmmakers? (Examples: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, The Aviator, The Rainmaker, etc.)
2) How did they help one another?
3) Why do you think we often resist getting and giving input to one another in our fields of interest?
4) How could each of us begin helping and encouraging one another in an area of interest this week?